


BUZZFEED UNSOLVED: THE MYSTERY OF THE INFAMOUS GOTHAM BATMAN

by engmaresh



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), DCU (Comics)
Genre: Bat-references, Buzzfeed Unsolved does Gotham, Do the butts match?, Gen, Ghost Hunters, Humor, Memes, Parody, Transcript Format, Urban Legends, inspired by the recent Mothman episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 23:37:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,924
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14436621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engmaresh/pseuds/engmaresh
Summary: What is the mysterious Batman that stalks the streets of Gotham City?Will Shane and Ryan uncover the dark truth behind this notorious urban legend, or will the mystery of the Batman remainunsolved?





	BUZZFEED UNSOLVED: THE MYSTERY OF THE INFAMOUS GOTHAM BATMAN

> _SCENE opens on a montage of short clips:_

**RYAN** So we’re on our way to Gotham City in New Jersey, home of the infamous Batman.

> _Driving past a sign that says: WELCOME TO GOTHAM_

**RYAN** Oh god, I can’t believe we’re going to Crime Capital Gotham. 

> _Blurred night vision footage. A red human-shaped figure has its head tilted up. The rest of the screen is greens, blues and blacks._

**SHANE** Screeee! Screeeee! Screeee!

 **RYAN** _(Walks past a crumbling brick archway.)_ If we’re going to find the Batman I believe it’ll be out here.

> _The camera pans over to a dented street sign that says: PARK ROW_

**S** **HANE** _(cupping his hands over his mouth)_ Hey, Batsy! 

> _The camera pans up into the sky. A faint bright blob can be seen against the grey clouds. There’s a dark, bat-like shape in the center of the bright circle._

**RYAN** I’m going to go on record that this is a very bad idea.

> _More blurred night vision footage. Several small, bright-red shapes move against the blue background. There is the sound of bats screeching._

> _Ryan gasps._
> 
> _Bat screeching intensifies._

> _The theme music plays. Bells ring and thunder roars._
> 
> _The words BUZZFEED UNSOLVED SUPERNATURAL fade in on screen._
> 
> _Underneath in all caps: BATMAN_

* * *

> _SCENE opens in the BUZZFEED UNSOLVED office. Both_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE** _are seated behind a desk, looking into the camera._ **RYAN** _has the episode’s case file in front of him._

**RYAN** This week we travel to Gotham City, New Jersey, as we try to peel back the shroud of mystery that surrounds what may be America’s greatest urban legend: the terrifying Gotham Bat.

 **SHANE** Batman. 

 **RYAN** The Gotham Bat.

 **SHANE** Batman. Batman. Batman. _(With each repetition of the word “Batman” he taps a pen against the desk for emphasis.)_

 **RYAN** _(rolling his eyes)_ The Gotham Batman.

 **SHANE** Now it sucks. _(He throws the pen down onto the desk.)_

 **RYAN** You suck. 

> **RYAN** _shuffles his case files and glances over at_ **SHANE** _who gazing up, looking thoughtful._

**SHANE** Is it–he–it.

 **RYAN** He.

 **SHANE** How do we know what gender it is? Has anyone asked him–it?

 **RYAN** _(Throwing his hands up in the air_ ) I don’t– He’s called Bat _-man_ all right?

 **SHANE** Hah! Batman.

 **RYAN** You know what–let’s just, let’s get into it.

 

* * *

> _Creepy music plays as_ _white and red text fades in on a black background in the style of BUZZFEED UNSOLVED's animated infographics._

**RYAN** The Batman is an urban legend, that is said to have sprung to life in Gotham around the summer of 2005. Though his existence has never been fully confirmed, various sightings of the Gotham Batman appeared soon after the first few rumors of his presence, the number of which have increased steadily over the years. The Batman is said to prey only on criminals and those with the desire to harm the innocent. For this reason, many witnesses have remained anonymous in order to avoid prosecution from the law. Nonetheless, various sightings by normal citizens have corroborated many of those anonymous claims. In general, most have described the creature to most often appear humanoid in stature, with a proportionally human-looking, if huge form, ranging from seven to nine feet tall. Most accounts also agree on his giant wings, which are said to have a monstrous eight to fifteen foot wingspan, with sharp talons at each end. It has long, pointed ears, able to hear sounds from great distance, and pale, milky eyes. From there however, descriptions begin to differ greatly.

Some accounts have described the Batman as possessing a thick, dark, leathery hide, impenetrable to both knives and bullets. He is capable of incredible camouflage, able to hide within the shadows unnoticed, until the time comes for him to strike. Others have described the Batman as half-man, half-beast, covered in dense gray, black, and very, very dark gray fur. They also say he has the face and snout of a bats, and with two four-inch fangs curling over its mouth.

More terrifying however, is the witness account that tell of the Batman’s ability to turn himself into a large swarm of bats. One man who claimed to have been attacked by Batman’s swarm described it as, and I quote, “It was horrifying. One moment he was there, staring right through me with those soulless eyes. And then, he was gone! I was surrounded by bats, swarming and swooping over me” unquote.

> _Scrolling text appears on the screen, transcribing the conversation that follows._ **RYAN'** _s text is yellow._ **SHANE'** _s is blue._

**SHANE** Hmmm…

 **RYAN** What are you thinking?

 **SHANE** Well, that last witness, the one with the swarm…

 **RYAN** Yeah…

 **SHANE** He didn’t really say he was attacked, did he?

 **RYAN** Well, they were swooping and swarming. 

 **SHANE** Yeah, but have you seen bats? They aren’t even scary! They’re just...little mice with wings!

 **RYAN** But do you really think of that when someone says Batman? No, you think...uh, blood sucking bats, and vampires and giant leather wings.

 **SHANE** So why isn’t he Vampire-man? Or just–Dracula? Does anyone actually say he looks like a vampire?

 **RYAN** Uh...no. Because he’s not Dracula?

 **SHANE** Does he even suck blood?

 **RYAN** I’m getting to that!

> _SCENE cuts to the BUZZFEED UNSOLVED office._ **SHANE** _is holding his forearm over the lower half of his face, reminiscent of the iconic image of Dracula and his cape._

**SHANE** _(in a vague Eastern European accent)_ I am...ze Batman!

 **RYAN** Oh my g–

 **SHANE** I vant to suck your blood! 

 **RYAN** _(Wheezing)_ He’s not a vampire.

 **SHANE** _(Looking at the camera and making slow clawing motions with his other hand.)_ Bevare criminals! I vill fffind you! 

> **RYAN'** _s wheezing turns into laughter._

 

* * *

> _SCENE cuts to a 3D title card with the camera panning over towering skyscrapers. The text says:_ GOTHAM CITY

> _SCENE_ _cuts to_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE** _in a hotel room, sitting at a table by the window. The curtains are drawn, revealing a gloomy cityscape. The decor of the room is old fashions, with worn velvet upholstery and dark, heavy furniture._

**RYAN** We are at the Gotham Hyperion, one of the oldest buildings in the city.

 **SHANE** _(cutting in)_ It’s a very nice place. Finally, after all the haunted hospitals and asylums...we get to go somewhere nice. 

> _The camera pans around the room, lingering on the intricate yet faded wallpaper and the ornamental cornices._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover as the camera continues to pan around)_ This building is haunted though. 

> _Camera cuts to_ **SHANE** _’s face. He looks excited, mouth open and hands clapped to his cheeks in exaggerated delight._

  **SHANE** No way!

 **RYAN** _(looking around a little nervously)_ Not this room though. We specifically requested this room because it gives us a great view of Wayne Tower.

> _The camera moves forward, the SCENE changing to take in the cityscape outside the window. Rising above a line of buildings is Wayne Tower. It dominates the skyline, though its bulbous glass observation dome is shrouded by heavy clouds. Gargoyles ring the building at various levels in various buildings, peering menacingly (or protectively?) over the city_  

**SHANE** That is one craaazy looking building.

 **RYAN** Its history is even crazier. This is Wayne Tower. It’s the tallest building in this part of Gotham.

> _SCENE changes to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED’s animated informatics. Text is white on a dark background. Pictures and images are mostly black-and-white._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ The idea of Wayne Tower was first conceived by Solomon Wayne, based on the designs of Cyrus Pinkney. Cyrus was a highly devout man, and his architectural designs for Gotham were heavily influenced by religion. He viewed Gotham as an organic whole, a living being that would itself fight against evil. In a journal entry written shortly before the construction Wayne Tower, he says, quote, “I believe it is my duty to protect this fair city of Gotham well beyond my life and death. I know all too well the evil that lurks in the heart of men, but I believe too, that there is good, good that needs to be guided and protected. May the citizens of Gotham stay in the path of righteousness under my watchful eye, under the eternal all-seeing eye of God” unquote.

> _Scrolling transcript of_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE's** _conversation appears._

**SHANE** Creepy.

 **RYAN** I know.

 **SHANE** Very Big Brother. _(Looks to the camera)_ Big Brother is watching you.

 **RYAN** Big Batman is watching you. 

> **SHANE** _laughs._

> _SCENE returns to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED’s animated informatics._

**RYAN** Pinkney’s architectural style involved rounded edges to confuse malevolent beings, thick windowless walls to lock in virtue and many gargoyles to scare people onto the path of righteousness.

For each entry point into the city, a gargoyle or “guardian” was built to welcome visitors. The tower was also tied into the railways lines around it. At the very top of the tower is an observation deck covered by a giant glass dome, though this was commissioned after Pinkney’s death by Solomon Wayne’s son, Alan Wayne, who pushed for the completion of the tower after construction halted due to a lack of funds.

> _SCENE cuts back to_ **SHANE** _and_ **RYAN** _in their room at the Gotham Hyperion._

**SHANE** And what does this have to do with the Batman? 

 **RYAN** Witnesses have seen the Batman soaring over the city only to alight on one of Wayne Tower’s many gargoyles. It has led to the urban legend that the Batman is actually one of the building’s gargoyles come to life. They say that it is the spirit of Cyrus Pinkney possessing the gargoyles to protect and watch over the city in death, as he had promised to do so in his journal.

It is also why the Batman has often been seen at the scene of crimes taking place, chasing away the criminals before they can harm their victims. In some instances, some have reported muggers being found bruised and tied up, waiting to be picked up by the police.

 **SHANE** Spooky. A haunted gargoyle? Who beats people up? Also does he possess the same one each time or do you think he switches around? 

 **RYAN** Maybe he plays spin the bottle.

> **RYAN** _covers his eyes with one hand and mimes spinning a glass bottle. The glass bottle points at_ **SHANE**.

**RYAN** You’re it!

 **SHANE** _(To the camera)_ I’m Batman!

 

* * *

> _It’s daylight._ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE** _are out in the streets, standing in front of the entrance of Wayne Tower. They enter and the camera follows. Half of the building’s lobby has been cordoned off for tourists. The BUZZFEED team clearly has express tickets because they bypass the line and head straight for the elevators. In the elevator along with them is a kid wearing a t-shirt with the Batman logo._

**SHANE** Cool shirt.

 **KID** Thanks!

 **RYAN** _(Under his breath, almost inaudible.)_ Superman’s better.

> _Cut to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED on the observation deck. It’s a sunny day for once, but the sky has a slight gray tint to it due to smog. It’s crowded, and there are several groups of children running around, due to a school trip._

> **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE** _walk up to the glass. They look out at the Gotham skyline. Several feet below them, a stone ring juts out around the tower. A gargoyle is perched right below them._

**RYAN** _(Reading from the brochure)_ It says this one watches over the Sprang River bridge.

> _The camera pans up to follow the gargoyles line of sight. It does indeed line up with the busy Sprang River Bridge that connects the island of Gotham to the mainland._

**SHANE** Do you think this is Batman?

 **RYAN** _(Jokingly)_ Why don’t you ask him?

 **SHANE** _(Calling out to the gargoyle below)_ Hey dude, you Batman?

 **RYAN** _(Staring at him disbelievingly.)_ “Hey dude?”

 **SHANE** What?

 **RYAN** _shakes his head._

 **RYAN** _(Voiceover, as the various items below are depicted.)_ Despite the unproven existence of the Batman, Gotham has taken full advantage of the “Batmania”. The famous Batman logo has been trademarked by Wayne Enterprises, with all proceeds from sales going to the Thomas and Martha Wayne Foundation, which funds numerous charities and free clinics, as well as grants for both the arts and sciences. There are Batman cookies, Batman coffee, Bat-wing candy and...the Bat-burger.

 **SHANE** Is it made of bats?

 **RYAN** _(Laughing)_ I hope not!

> _Cut to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED in the Wayne Tower Cafe. Cheerful music plays over the noise of the crowd._

**RYAN** Wow, that’s a lot of people.

 **SHANE** Just like a swarm...of bats.

 **RYAN** _(Undertone)_ Jesus Christ.

 **RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ According to the Wayne Tower Cafe menu, the Bat-burger is “Absolutely batty!” A beef patty stuffed with cheese, with caramelized onions, salad and tomatoes, on a charcoal bun, with their special coffee-barbecue sauce. And the highlight: coffee flavored, candied bacon “wings”.

> _Cut to_ **SHANE** _and_ **RYAN** _looking at their Bat-burgers._ **SHANE** _gives one of the wings a poke._

**SHANE** What’s with all the coffee?

 **RYAN** I think that’s how coffee plants are fertilized in the wild? The bat eats the coffee bean and poops it out and there’s another coffee plant!

 **SHANE** _(Looking thoughtful)_ Hmmm. I’ve heard of that. Don’t they make expensive coffee out of that?

 **RYAN** _(Looking down at his Bat-burger)_ This had better not be bat-poop coffee flavored… 

> _They start eating the burgers._ **RYAN** _is eating the burger with the wings still stuck to the sides, while_ **SHANE** _has removed them and put them inside his burger._

**RYAN** I can’t– _(He turns his head sideways to take a bite of the wings, which keep bending away from his mouth.)_

 **SHANE** _looks into the camera like he’s in The Office._

> _A montage of them eating plays until the boys have finished their burgers and are looking pretty satisfied._

**SHANE** That wasn’t too bad a burger!

 **RYAN** Yeah, the coffee actually went surprisingly well with everything else.

 **SHANE** _(Eyes comically wide)_ And you know what, I’m actually feeling much more awake!

 

* * *

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ While at Wayne Tower Cafe (WTC), we met with Alvin Draper, founder of the Bat-Watcher Alliance, a group dedicated to uncovering proof of the Batman’s existence. 

> _A teenage boy joins BUZZFEED UNSOLVED at the table, a cup of coffee in hand. He looks to be about sixteen, with short black hair, wearing a red hoodie and sunglasses._

**ALVIN** Hey.

 **RYAN** Hi Alvin, thanks for joining us.

 **ALVIN** Um, you can call me Al. I–

 **SHANE** Is that bat-poop coffee? _(He points at the cup_ **ALVIN** _is holding, which has the WTC logo on it.)_

 **ALVIN** Uh…

 **SHANE** Why is the coffee connected to bats? Is it the bat poop coffee?

 **ALVIN** I don’t think they eat the beans, that’s a different animal. Probably...pollination?

 **RYAN** Maybe the Batman needs coffee to stay awake at night.

 **SHANE** _(In a deep voice.)_ Give me a triple. _(Pretends to slam some money down on the table.)_ Now!

> **RYAN** _wheezes as_ **ALVIN** _chokes on a mouthful of coffee._

**ALVIN** They do have that here. The triple espresso. It’s called Bat-guano.

 **RYAN** Isn’t that–

 **ALVIN** Bat poop. _(He raises his coffee cup.)_

 **SHANE** I knew it!

 **RYAN** Anyways, as a member of the Bat-watchers, have you ever seen the Batman?

 **ALVIN** Yep. I was uh, um, urban climbing, and taking some photos of the city–you get better pictures higher up, above the smog–when I saw him, perched on one of the gargoyles.

 **SHANE** Here?

 **ALVIN** _(Shaking his head)_ Over at the Kane building. There’s gargoyles all over this city. I didn’t even see him at first, he was so still. I was leaning over trying to get a better picture when I slipped–

> **RYAN** _gasps._

**ALVIN** I didn’t fall. Besides, they’ve got safety nets around the tops of most buildings here nowadays thanks to, uh, lots of people watching bats. _(He pushes his sunglasses further up his nose.)_

 **RYAN** So what happened?

 **ALVIN** Well, so I got back upright and when I turned around I saw this shadow over me. He was huuuuge, just towering. And when he looked at me it was like he was looking right _through_ me. And then I blinked, and the next thing I know he’d jumped off the building and was flying away.

 **SHANE** _(Sounding somewhat disappointed.)_ That’s it? He didn’t bite you? Speak to you?

 **ALVIN** Uh, no.

 **SHANE** No fangs?

 **ALVIN** No fangs. He had really pointy ears though. _(He raises his fists to the side of his head, index fingers extended like bat-ears.)_

 **RYAN** Some speculate that the Batman is actually just a crazy guy dressed as a bat. Based on what you have seen, what do you think?

 **ALVIN** No way that’s a dude. Who would dress up as a bat to fight crime? A guy like that would have some serious issues.

 **SHANE** This is Gotham! You have serial killer clowns! With harlequin sidekicks! And a crocodile man in the sewer.

 **ALVIN** _(Firmly shakes head.)_ I still don’t really know what I saw that night, but it was definitely not a man.

 **RYAN** Gotham is known to be notoriously protective of the Batman, despite his, uh violent, dangerous actions. Every time a task force is established to “take down” the Batman _(He sketches quotation marks around the words with his fingers.)_ there have been protests. The President’s recent–he recently he promised to declare a “War on the Batman”, which uh, Gotham didn’t much care for. Why so much love for the Batman?

 **ALVIN** Well, um...I don’t know. Look, I know were kind of America’s least favorite child _(_ **SHANE** _laughs loudly at that, and_ **ALVIN** _shrugs)_ , so y’know, Batman’s one thing we’ve got going for us. Things are a lot better now than before he came. I don’t think we’d be Gotham without the Bat.

> _SCENE cuts to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED leaving Wayne Tower._

**RYAN** Well, that was interesting.

 **SHANE** _(Looking up to the gargoyles looming over them)._ Be seein’ ya!

 

* * *

> _SCENE cuts to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED animated infographics._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ There are several theories surrounding the nature and identity of the Batman. The first theory is that the Batman is the result of a secret government experiment to create enhanced super soldiers, in which human DNA was fused with animal DNA in order to increase agility, speed, strength and intelligence. The experiment however was deemed scrapped when the Batman escaped from the laboratory and further efforts to duplicate the results have ended in failure. As for the reason why the Batman is so focused on stopping crime, many believe that the experimentation involved brainwashing, programming and mind altering drugs to increase a sense of loyalty in America, which led to the Batman becoming Gotham’s secret protector.

> _SCENE switches to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED office._

**SHANE** I don’t believe it. 

 **RYAN** Which part–the experiment?

 **SHANE** All of it!

 **RYAN** Why not?

 **SHANE** Because, first, if you’re going to make a human-animal hybrid supersoldier, why _bats_?

 **RYAN** Well, they’ve–they can see in the dark.

 **SHANE** They’re blind! That’s why we say blind as a bat!

 **RYAN** Fine! They’ve got that–that echolocation thing, and they can fly and um–

 **SHANE** I told you.

 **RYAN** Well, maybe that’s all they needed!

 **SHANE** A supersoldier who can only see in the dark and fly? And if they were using brainwashing and programming to make him all–“JUSTICE”– then how did he escape? Why is he just hanging around in Gotham instead of, I don’t know, fighting ISIS?

 **RYAN** Well because–

 **SHANE** And have you seen bats? Bats are cute! They’ve got those tiny little ears and those pointy little noses. Maybe that’s what he looks like.

> **RYAN** _wheezes with laughter._

**SHANE** He probably looks like a cute little bat, but nobody wants to admit they were beaten up by a cute little bat, so they say he’s a monster.

 **RYAN** It was huge officer! Large and fluffy–I mean, furry! Large and furry and with huge teeth!

 **SHANE** It was so darn cute I wet my pants at the sight of it!

> _SCENE returns to the BUZZFEED UNSOLVED animated infographics._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ A second theory posits that the Batman is an interdimensional being, a being able to move between this dimension and another beyond our sight. The Batman uses shadows to travel between his dimension and ours, and uses this method to travel one place to another, hence his ability to fade into the dark and reappear seeming from out of thin air. In fact, one witness, Mary Winstead, claims to have seen the Batman rise through solid ground to attack the mugger who was attempting to rob her. According her, the Batman, quote “didn’t just appear out of nowhere. He passed through the ground, solid ground. For a moment he stood there. I think he was re-solidifying his body. I could see a car right through him! But it only took a few seconds, and then he beat up my attacker and vanished by walking through a wall” unquote.

> _SCENE switches to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED office._

**SHANE** That’s just ridiculous. 

 **RYAN** More ridiculous than turning into a swarm of bats?

 **SHANE** That’s crazy enough that it maybe might be true. But this?

 **RYAN** Mary Winstead was quite convinced that that was what she’d seen.

 **SHANE** Of course she was convinced. She was being mugged! She was in shock!

 **RYAN** Would shock really make you think you saw something like that? An intra–an interdimensional being that rose through the road to save you?

 **SHANE** Maybe he climbed out through a sewer cover.

 **RYAN** The police checked the alley for possible exit and entry points. There were no sewer covers within yards of where the crime took place, and no sewers or utility lines run under that part of the road.

 **SHANE** I still believe she was making it up.

 **RYAN** You’re just victim blaming now.

 **SHANE** Hey, I didn’t say she deserved being mugged. I’m just saying...you’re under attack by some random guy, then that guy gets attacked by another random guy-bat-thing. Your mind’s going get a little, uh, shaken.

 **RYAN** So how would you imagine him coming to rescue you?

 **SHANE** The Batman?

 **RYAN** _(Nodding forcefully.)_ Yeah.

 **SHANE** In a car.

 **RYAN** W-What?

 **SHANE** Giant car with bat wings on the side. A, a Bat-car!

 **RYAN** What even–

 **SHANE** He’ll drift around the corner and the door will pop open and he’ll be all, “Get in.”

 **RYAN** _(Wheezing with laughter)_ And you’ll just get in?

 **SHANE** Yeah.

 **RYAN** What about the mugger?

 **SHANE** Oh, we just run him over.

> **RYAN** _gives_ **SHANE** _a look, then starts to slowly shake his head._

**RYAN** I don’t–I thought you were into the whole vampire angle. You know… _(He does the Dracula cape pose_ **_SHANE_ ** _had done early in the episode.)_ Dracula.

 **SHANE** I like that one too. Is that a theory?

 **RYAN** _(Nodding.)_ Yeah, it is.

 **SHANE** _(Grinning.)_ Hell yeah. _(Does the Dracula pose. Hisses.)_

> _SCENE returns to the BUZZFEED UNSOLVED animated infographics._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ Another existing hypothesis is the vampire theory. Based on the combination of eyewitness testimony and speculation, supporters of this theory have put together a fairly complicated backstory to the Batman’s existence as a vampire. This hypothesis was brought up in a Bat-watcher forum in February in 2012, by a user with the pseudonym “wingnut.” He posted, and I quote, “hey guys have an idea, hear me out. what if the batman is a vampire? yes i said vampire but it goes deeper than that.”

He goes on to list several encounters with the Batman that fulfill common vampire tropes: an aversion to sunlight, the ability to shapeshift into a swarm of bats, inhuman strength, the ability to see in the dark, ultrasensitive hearing, flight, and the ability to feed on the fear of its victims.

This theory at first proved unpopular on the forum, many other users seeing the psychic vampire angle as a, “cop out”. Others also called wingnut out for, quote “beating the same dead vampire horse” unquote. Despite detractors, many were eager to re-embrace the idea of the Batman as a vampire, and the debate soon grew beyond the message board. It finally reached mainstream news when Dr Kirk Langstrom, a well respected professor of zoology in Gotham University, posited the existence of the Batman as the missing link between humans of today and a higher evolved species of homo sapiens. He used evidence of his experiments in integrating bat DNA with human DNA in order to cure deafness to prove the compatibility of animal genetic material with those of humans, and pushed for further use of genetic engineering beyond its uses today. In an interview with Vicki Vale, Dr Langstrom said that he believed bats to be far more capable of surviving, and I quote, “the next evolutionary cataclysm” unquote, unlike humans, which he believed would soon die out.

Though Dr Langstrom’s ideas were soon dismissed as mad ramblings and his credibility destroyed when his lab was raided and he was arrested for ethics violations in his experiments, the hype around the vampire Batman only increased, especially after it was leaked that he had been using _Desmodus rotundus_ in his experiments. These species of bats are also known as...vampire bats.

> _Scrolling transcript of_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE's** _conversation appears._  

**SHANE** I knew it! Vampire!

 **RYAN** Many say that Langstrom was so certain of the role of Batman as, as the missing link between humans and some kind of uh, posthuman vampire creature because _he_ had created that missing link.

 **SHANE** You don’t look too happy about this idea. 

 **RYAN** I don’t! I really don’t think Batman being a vampire is any more credible than any of the other theories. I think people just like the idea of vampires, that’s all.

 **SHANE** Vampires are very interesting creatures. I don’t think we’ve hunted any vampires yet. Are there any unsolved vampire mysteries we could look for?

 **RYAN** Uh…

> _SCENE cuts to an animated swarm of bats flying across the screen._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ There is one other theory, one that exists however more as a joke than an actual theory. Nonetheless, it has become popular enough to reach meme status within Batman websites and forums, and has also reached mainstream consciousness within Gotham City.

> _Scrolling transcript of_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE's** _conversation appears._

**SHANE** Do the butts match?

 **RYAN** Do. The butts. Match?

> _SCENE returns to BUZZFEED UNSOLVED animated infographics._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ In 2016, in the Batman-centric conspiracy board “Under the Mask”, a user by the name of BruceWayneIsTheBatman made a post with the title “BRUCE WAINE IS BAT-MAN INDISPUTABLE PROOF”. The image that accompanied this post showed a photo believed to be of the Batman perched on a gargoyle, next to a picture of Gotham’s famous billionaire philanthropist Bruce Wayne. 

>   _The image appears._

This user had compared the curve of Batman’s butt to the curve Bruce Wayne’s butt. Following this image was the claim “THE BUTTS MATCH!!! THE FACTS DON’T LIE!!!!!”. Though this was dismissed as nothing but the work of a bored troll, the post soon took a life of its own. Meme’s appeared comparing the Batman’s butt to those of various celebrities. Bruce Wayne appeared on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon wearing a fake, furry butt. You can even buy shirts with the quote “THE BUTTS MATCH” and “DO THE BUTTS MATCH?” in souvenir stores in Gotham.

> __Scrolling transcript of_ **RYAN** _and_ **SHANE's** _conversation appears._ _

**SHANE** _(Stroking his chin.)_ But do the butts really match?

 **RYAN** Let’s see.

> _SCENE cuts back BUZZFEED UNSOLVED office._

> _**RYAN** pulls out his phone and **SHANE** leans in. They zoom in on the picture, **SHANE** squinting as he tries to make the connection. _  

**SHANE** This is a really terrible picture. I can’t even see if the Batman has a butt.

 **RYAN** Yeah. It’s just like, a black shadow.

 **SHANE** Maybe his butt has retreated back to another dimension.

 **RYAN** _(Wheezes)_

 **SHANE** Maybe he’s butt-less!

> **RYAN’s** _wheezing intensifies._

**SHANE** Maybe Bruce Wayne _is_ the Batman! He’s rich! He’s got that money to inject himself with that Bat-stuff by that mad Dr Langstrom. He’s probably got gadgets to help him walk through walls.

 **RYAN** _(Still laughing.)_ What kind of gadgets let you walk through walls?

 **SHANE** Bat-gadgets.

> **RYAN** _starts wheezing with laughter again._

**SHANE** Look, this all makes sense. _(He strokes his chin.)_ We might be onto something.

 **RYAN** But do the butts match?

 

* * *

> _SCENE opens with the view from a dashboard cam, traveling into the night._

**RYAN** _(Voiceover)_ It is night time, which means it’s officially Batman hunting time! This time our search takes us not out into the wilderness, but deeper into the City, down to through East End to the Gotham narrows. For reasons of safety, we will only briefly leave the car. However, our very presence may be enough to draw the elusive Batman out of his shadows.

 **SHANE** You mean as potential victims of crime.

> _They are in a car, driving down a narrow, filthy alley._ **RYAN** _is in the passenger seat, and someone unidentified is driving. The camera pans from_ **RYAN** _to_ **SHANE** _, who is sitting in the back seat with a GoPro strapped to his head._

**RYAN** No! It’s just–we’ll be fine! Nothing will happen! _(He looks nervously out the window. The only source of light comes from the car’s headlights and a sputtering streetlamp at the very end of the alley.)_

 **SHANE** Isn’t it interesting? That we’ve been hunting demons, ghosts, monsters, more demons–

 **RYAN** –Sasquatches.

 **SHANE** Sasquatches. But what we’re most afraid of are humans. And what they might do to us.

> **RYAN** _twists around in his seat to stare at_ **SHANE**.

**RYAN** Are you actually admitting you’re _afraid_?

 **SHANE** I’m just making an observation. _(He nonchalantly peers out through the window.)_

 **RYAN** You’re scared. _(He looks both gleeful and terrified.)_

 **SHANE** I’m not.

 **RYAN** You’re lying. _(He turns back around and starts suddenly.)_ WHAT WAS THAT?

 **SHANE** What? What did you see? _(He lunges forward, leaning over into the passenger side.)_

 **RYAN** Oh. It was just a plastic bag. _(He looks over at SHANE, as though trying to gauge his reaction.)_

 **SHANE** Well that’s just terrifying.

> _They continue driving until they reach the end of the alley. Just as they drive past the streetlamp, it winks out._

**RYAN** SHIT! Oh shit oh shit.

> _In the grey gloom_ **RYAN** _is seen twisting around in his seat, trying to look in all directions but hampered by his seat belt. The camera pans over to_ **SHANE** _, who continues to look somewhat calmly around, despite the car being plunged into almost darkness, except for the light from the headlights._

**SHANE** Do you see anything?

 **RYAN** NO! Do you see anything?

 **SHANE** Nope.

> _They’ve driven several yards past the lamp when it sputters back to life. The view cuts to_ **SHANE’s** _GoPro, and it pans jerkily over interior of the car as he turns around. There’s nothing to be seen in the receding view of the alley. Just the light. And something lying at its base._

**SHANE** Wait, what’s that? _(He points at the lump.)_

 **RYAN** What?

> _The car stops. Cut to a different camera view that zooms in on the object. As the image sharpens, the object is suddenly blurred by a censor blur._

**SHANE** Just a dead dog. 

 **RYAN** What? Oh no! _(He pauses.)_ We didn’t kill it, did we?

 **SHANE** Nah. It’s over next to the pavement.

 **RYAN** This place is so creepy. I didn’t think a random street could be so creepy but it is.

 **SHANE** It’s just a street. _(He unlocks the car and climbs out onto the street.)_

 **RYAN** Oh my god, what are you doing? They said we shouldn’t leave the car!

 **SHANE** I’m calling for the Batman! _(He cups his hands around his mouth.)_ Screee! Screee! Screeeeee!

 **RYAN** _(Leaning out of the car window.)_ What–what is that supposed to be?

 **SHANE** Bat sounds.

> _T_ _he following footage in filmed through a thermal camera lens. The camera pans over to follow_ **RYAN** _as he struggles out of his seatbelt and climbs out of the car. He also has a GoPro , though his is strapped to his chest._

**RYAN** Those are not–bats don’t sound like that! 

 **SHANE** Then what do they sound like?

 **RYAN** I–I don’t know! Like, _(He makes some chittering "eeee eeee eeee" noises.)_  

 **SHANE** _(Looking incredibly skeptical.)_ Those aren’t bats.

 **RYAN** Well, yours doesn’t sound like bats either.

 **SHANE** Fine, I know what will get him out. _(He cups his hands over his mouth again.)_ Hey Butt-man!

 **RYAN** Holy shit.

 **SHANE** Butt-man! Hey! It’s ya man, Shane!

 **RYAN** Oh my god, what are you doing?

 **SHANE** _(Still shouting.)_ I just have a question for you, man! _(Pauses, as though waiting for a reply.)_ Can I see your butt? Butt-man!

 **RYAN** Oh my god, stop calling him that!

 **SHANE** Buuuuuttt-maaaaan! I just need a picture of it! That’s all! Gotta show it Bruce Wayne, make sure they match. Or don’t match!

 **RYAN** Ask him if he’s Bruce Wayne!

 **SHANE** Ask him yourself. _(Starts yelling again.)_ Hey Batsy! My friend here has a question for you!

 **RYAN** _(Hissing.)_ Don’t tell him my name! _(He looks around nervously.)_ Hey Batman! Are you Bruce Wayne in disguise?

> _They look around, waiting for an answer._

**SHANE** Screech once for yes, twice for no! 

> _Silence._  

**SHANE** Hey! It’s rude not to answer!

 **UNKNOWN VOICE** It’s rude to run around screaming in the middle of the night! Shut the fuck up!

 **RYAN** Holy shit!

 **SHANE** You think that’s him?

 **RYAN** No, but I think we just pissed someone off. Just–get in the car! 

> **RYAN** _rushes for the car and slips back inside. The camera jostles as in enters the car too, followed by_ **SHANE** _, who is looking relatively unperturbed. The car jerks forward, and the camera, now pointing through the rear window, slowly tracks away from Park Row._

**RYAN** _(Clutching his chest.)_ Shit, I didn’t expect that. _(He turns in his seat, looking indignantly at_ **SHANE** _looking thoughtfully out the window.)_ I thought you said humans were scarier than monsters.

 **SHANE** Yeah, but it’s not like they could have done anything.

 **RYAN** Gotham has the highest rate of gun violence in America!

 **SHANE** We’re all carrying cameras! Besides, aren’t people in Gotham supposed to be scared of the Batman attacking them? If he’s supposed to be fighting crime, why is the violence and crime rate still so high?

 **RYAN** Maybe there’s just a lot of crime here.

> **SHANE** _snorts._

**RYAN** _(Twisting around to face him.)_ You were the one into him being a vampire!

 **SHANE** Nah. I’m not impressed. _(He crosses his arms and leans back against his seat, as though he has completely settled the matter.)_  

> **RYAN** _turns forward, huffing._

 

* * *

  
In the end, nobody truly knows what the Batman is, or if he even truly exists. Some have suggested that sightings of the Batman are just an instance of mass hysteria. Others believe that they are nothing more than hallucinations, brought on by toxic gases in the air and pollutants in Gotham River, even claiming that witnesses are expressing late-onset symptoms of poisoning caused by a terrorist event from 2005 when a man dressed as a scarecrow poisoned Gotham’s water supply.

As for me, the consistent and ever-increasing sightings of the Batman do have me curious about this dark knight, existing in the shadows and protecting the citizens of Gotham. Regardless, as our efforts have proven today, the existence of the Batman continues to elude us and so many others, and will for now, remain unsolved.

_BUZZFEED UNSOLVED theme music plays._

**Author's Note:**

> Formatting this was hellish.
> 
> There some easter eggs in here, mainly quote snippets from movies and the animated series. See if you can spot them!
> 
> The "Do the butts match?" meme is not mine. Taken from [here](http://raptorific.tumblr.com/post/140900606441/bruce-wayne-maintains-a-presence-on-all-conspiracy).
> 
> [Under the Mask](http://www.underthemaskonline.com/) is not a conspiracy theory site, it's actually the website for a podcast called _The Arkham Sessions_ where a professional psychologist psychoanalyses Batman and his villains (Timmverse animated version). Rather insightful at times, but mostly just funny as hell.
> 
> Watch BUZZFEED UNSOLVED [here](https://youtu.be/CupbRr2m_sM)! 
> 
> I also wasn't sure if everyone was familiar with the alter ego, so if case you're still puzzled by the Tim Drake tag, Alvin Draper is Tim.
> 
> Timeline is all over the place, but Batman's first sighting coincides with the release of the first Nolanverse movie.
> 
> Writing this has only convinced me further that Shane is a demon in disguise.
> 
> Thank you for reading!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [BUZZFEED UNSOLVED: THE MYSTERY OF THE INFAMOUS GOTHAM BATMAN [PODFIC]](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15782025) by [bessyboo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/bessyboo/pseuds/bessyboo), [forzandopod](https://archiveofourown.org/users/forzandopod/pseuds/forzandopod), [growlery](https://archiveofourown.org/users/growlery/pseuds/growlery), [Opalsong](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Opalsong/pseuds/Opalsong), [RevolutionaryJo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RevolutionaryJo/pseuds/RevolutionaryJo)




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